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Intention

It’s pretty rare I make New Year’s resolutions. I have in the past, but the last few years I’ve tended to set watchwords. They come and go, though if I recall correctly, last year’s was likely kindness, to myself and to others. The idea of being less hard on myself, of being kinder to myself by feeding my body better, by exercising more. I think largely I accomplished that. In the past year I’ve worked hard at better self talk, and I tend to notice it when it pops up. I’m still not perfect, but perfect is the enemy of good. I’m better, and that’s all you can ever hope for from day to day.

This year is one of the first where I can say I don’t feel like I need to say “work out more.” If anything I might need to say “be comfortable working out less.” Right now I’m in the gym every day doing something, and it almost feels like if I miss it something bad will happen, I’ll fall back into my old habits. Even now, coming back from vacation and a few days off, I worry I won’t be able to get back in the habit. I’m sure I will, but the fear is there.

My watchword for this year is Intention. One of the themes throughout my life that I’ve struggled with is loss of control. When I would eat, it would be a frantic thing. Just one more cracker, one more cookie, one more chocolate bar. When I would want to exercise, I would put it off for hours, watch just one more episode, play just one more level, until it was too late. My financial discipline would start tomorrow, after this one last purchase that would surely be the last totally unnecessary thing I’d need to buy.

I’ve fallen back a bit into these habits the last few days. I’ve spent too much, eaten too much, not exercised enough. They have been done with more intention, but I’ve felt that familiar feeling of loss of control, a bit. So when I get back, it’s back to better habits. But let’s be clear, my loss of control and indulgences now are far better than they once were. As I’ve lost weight, I’ve learned discipline and found it carrying over into many aspects of my life.

For 2018, I will aim to keep the word intention at the front of my mind. Be intentional with my time and do more of the things I want to do, and less of the easy and simple things. I will read more and spend less time mindlessly gaming and/or watching TV. I will work to be more intentional with my food, making better choices on the weekends and at at night (pretty much got weekday breakfast and lunch on lockdown). I will be more intentional with my mornings, getting going earlier instead of lazing in bed and making the most of my time before work.

I’m sure I won’t be perfect at all of that, of course, there will be setbacks and moments, but I’m hopeful by keeping that word, intention, front of mind I can keep working towards my goals. I have another 40ish pounds to go, which is doable in 2018 in a healthy way. I’m hopeful.

How My Anxiety Feels